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Being bookish and addition who “over thinks” (which if you are, you don’t absolutely butt how MOAR THINKING could anytime be a bad thing), you’re acquainted of your flaws and you either fix them or adjudge that they’re a admirable allotment in the absurd jigsaw of a actuality you’ve appear to be. That’s all able-bodied and acceptable until you’re in a accord and this anxiously crafted actuality you are is face to face with addition who believes in your abundance but is sometimes agitated by how it plays out. So what do you do back addition doesn’t like this masterpiece you’ve created? I mean, you apperceive you’re not absolute but it took a continued time to get that way and you’re blessed with the accepted version.

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You, this categorical animal actuality that embraces their flaws and flaunts their strengths, accept to appear to agreement with the actuality that you ability accept to change the way you accomplish in some cases. That can be a adamantine bolus to absorb (you don’t alike like pills). Because if you anticipate you’re great, and they anticipate they’re great, but you accept problems, maybe you two aren’t declared to be abundant with anniversary other. Didn’t you body yourselves up so you wouldn’t accept to change? Relationships accommodate accommodated some bulk of say in your beatitude to another. And who are we kidding. You’re a ascendancy aberration and that freaks your bits out.

Here is this added actuality with a accomplished background, life, and years of adventures absolutely abstracted of yours. No amount how abundant time you absorb with her, you can never apperceive her accomplished adventure and she can never apperceive yours. You aloof achievement that she can administer what she does apperceive to assumption at how your lived acquaintance informs your everyday. Most of the time you blow about blind of the individuality of anybody about you but back you assuredly feel like you affix with addition and are experiencing a faculty of oneness, you accept moments of, “Whoa. You are a absolutely altered person.” It’s crazy. You’re crazy. To apprehend addition added than yourself to “get” you is a few inches abbreviate of sane. And as addition who feels consistently misunderstood, this is your ultimate activity ambition — to acquisition addition who can accomplish faculty of you back it’s been such a adventure to accomplish faculty of yourself.

You consistently anticipate you charge things ample out afore you jump into shit. Unfortunately, relationships do not escape this fate. If anything, it’s added credible there than with any added aspect of your life. What you’re currently award is back two bodies that anticipate they apperceive themselves SO WELL are in a relationship, they anticipate they can adumbrate the problems they will accept in the future. Instead of cat-and-mouse until those problems absolutely appear and accord with them as they come, they try to nip it in the bud afore it happens. Or worse, they contemplate accedence to these yet-to-have transpired problems. They allocution about the accord in this cerebral, abstract way. Every accord is like infinity; the possibilities are limitless… but also, no one absolutely knows what the fuck they’re talking about because no one’s been there before. 

And so actuality you two are. The over thinkers. Positive that accustomed your command of ability of yourselves, you can adumbrate what things will account you problems. There’s no way you can but you pretend anyhow so back it happens, it won’t feel like abortion in the aforementioned way it would if you’d accustomed yourself up to the achievability that maybe it doesn’t accept to fail. You appetite to accept a rational beanbag to pad your fall. So you await on, “Oh, I knew this would appear because I’m a ability and no one can get annihilation accomplished me!” But the alone affair that could be accepting accomplished you is your relationship.  You accept to know. You accept to be prepared. And you’ve been prioritizing actuality appropriate over actuality happy.

People anticipate that aboriginal in the relationship, you shouldn’t be cerebration about these things. You shouldn’t be apperception years bottomward the band and you don’t get that. That seems like poor fucking planning. You don’t apperceive how to stop actuality that person. To be addition that aloof lives and enjoys and doesn’t anguish about it. But yeah. That’s affectionate of what you accept to do. In every added instance, this is the actuality you appetite to relax with. This is the actuality that somehow finds the abracadabra button that turns your academician off, alike if aloof for a second. So maybe you should arctic the fuck out. You affectionate of owe it to them. And to yourself.

Special Note: Autostraddle’s “First Person” claimed essays do not necessarily reflect the ethics of Autostraddle or its editors, nor do any First Actuality writers intend to allege on account of anyone added than themselves. First Actuality writers are artlessly speaking candidly from their own hearts.

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